Ending relationships are hard regardless of the circumstances. Period.
Sure, one could argue that the end of some relationships are harder than others. But only those in the relationship have a baseline for what makes it hard or not. Every experience is different, there are none that are exactly the same. Similarities, absolutely, but I hesitate to say exactly the same.
Is it possible to be friends with an ex? Does the circumstances on how or when the relationship ended make a difference? Does the circumstances of the relationship itself dictate whether or not friendship is at all possible once it ends?
What about balancing co-parenting and friendship with an ex? Is that possible? Is it easy to understand and respect the lines of where co-parenting starts/ends and where friendship starts/ends?
Dealing with grief and falling in love simultaneously is uncharted territory.
Investing in a new relationship was the furthest thing from my mind when we reconnected. Ok, maybe not *the* furthest thing, but I never expected to fall in love with you so easily when my heart had already been shattered by grief.
I tried to play it cool. I tried to play it off. I tried to fight the tears. I tried to fight the pain.
But I couldn’t. Not with you.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t help but bare my soul to you. Let you see the tears, let you see the pain. I was so sure that it would have been too much for you. I would be too much for you. But I’m not.
You have loved me through the pain, comforted me through the tears. You have allowed me to grieve without an expiration date. You have supported me readily. You have chosen to love me. On purpose. Every day for the last several months.
The good days. The bad ones. And every day in between. Through everything you have continually shown me love and grace.
With every step, I am discovering more of this territory. It is not as terrifying as it was before.
I have heard countless people tell me this over the years, but I didn’t truly understand it until I lost my grandma last year. It wasn’t unexpected. She had been in and out of the hospital quite a bit over the last few years. I even got to say “goodbye” during one of her hospital stays.
“You got blessed with extra time.”
“At least you got to say goodbye at some point.”
“She lived a long and beautiful life.”
“The memories you’ve created will live on forever in your heart, just like she will.”
But none of that gives me any comfort. None of that will bring her back. None of that takes away the pain. None of that fills the hole that has been left by her passing.
Sure, some days are easier than others. There are days where I can talk about her and smile. But then there are days where I can’t even think about her without being reminded I won’t ever see her again.
My naivety sheltered me from the reality of grief. I never thought it would be this hard. The constant battle with grief that death brings is unimaginable.
Most people assume the road to recovery is a straight line. You go from point A to point B and BAM! You’re cured.
Those of us that are on the recovery road from addiction, self-harm, an eating disorder, etc. know that couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality this road will last the rest of our lives. Sometimes we veer off the road and debate on driving in reverse. Other times, we take a pit stop at a shady run down gas station with the phrase “bad idea” shinning in neon lights.
As if having to learn how to deal with our own selves wasn’t hard enough, we have to learn how to deal with others, especially those that don’t know (or care to know) our history.
I received a call from my best friend today while at the office because she was called an “anorexic whore” by someone we know through a mutual friend. Neither of us are friends with the person who said that. In fact, we know the type of person this individual is. This person is the type we wouldn’t naturally associate with because of their toxic personality.
Now, I know what you must be thinking, “What does it matter? Those are just words. Why should she care? She doesn’t even like this person.” But they aren’t “just words,” no matter who they come from. Not to someone who has been battling an eating disorder for the majority of their life.
Just because she isn’t visibly “actively” battling with it doesn’t mean her life isn’t affected by this disorder on a daily basis.
“But Clyde, an eating disorder isn’t an addiction or a disease.”
I disagree and I will tell you why.
Almost fourteen years ago, I did my first line of cocaine. The last line I took was about two years after that first one. Just because I haven’t done it in over a decade doesn’t mean the cravings disappeared.
Roughly sixteen years ago, I took a razor to my arm and cut for the first time. Just a few months ago I fell off the wagon after being a faithful passenger for about twelve years. Granted, it didn’t look like a “traditional” fall because it wasn’t with a blade and I just punched a wall, but it was self-harm no matter how you slice it.
My best friend just like countless others, including myself, have had to learn how to deal and how to live with it for the rest of her life. We all have had to make a lifetime commitment on this road to recovery.
It’s not like we reach the end of the road, everything is tied up in a neat bow, and we get to move on with our lives. The road to recovery is neverending. The feelings and emotions caused by an addiction or disorder don’t just magically go away. They are there every single day for the rest of our lives, whether it is “active” or we have learned how to keep it “dormant”. Every day we wake up, and sometimes even throughout the day, we have to make the continual conscious decision and effort not to give in. Trust me, sometimes it would be so much easier just to give in.
Never in my life have I ever heard someone dealing with a disorder or addiction use the word “recovered” to describe their road, it is always “recovering” because this is a road we will have to navigate for the rest of our lives.
Sticks and stones may break bones, but hurt caused by words are nearly impossible to heal.
I will be the first person to advocate for therapy. I believe in going to therapy. I believe that you need to have a non-biased person that will listen to you and help you get through your troubles. I also believe that it is okay to “shop” for a therapist. Therapy isn’t a “on therapist fits all”. You need to find someone who works well for and with you. Someone that isn’t afraid to call you on your shit.
Therapy has made a huge impact in my life for years. Now, it has been on and off for the past twelve years or so. Mostly off since about late 2017, and I know it is something that I need to get back into. Therapy is something that is essential. Your mental health is just as important as physical.
But there’s a problem.
Not only is there a stigma on mental health – a little less than when I was growing up – but the cost can be astronomical. Sure, if you have insurance, it may cover most of that cost and then you are just responsible for a copay. That’s all fine and dandy, but nine times out of ten most insurance companies will consider therapy a “specialist”, and therefore your copay will be that specialist price. No big deal, right?
Wrong. There’s another problem.
My copay for a specialist is 60 bucks a visit. Most therapists recommend at least two visits per month because therapy requires consistency. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have 120 bucks a month to shell out for therapy. Okay, sure, some therapists work on a sliding scale or will let you make smaller or monthly payments towards your bill. If insurance companies would allow you to pay your primary care copay – at the most – that would be a little bit more feasible for most people. I know it would be for me.
Mental health is important, but the ability to receive mental healthcare for most is just simply unattainable.
Nobody is perfect. Hopefully everybody knows that. If you don’t? Well, you are in for a big surprise. But that hardest pill to swallow? It’s self-reflection. Looking within yourself and realizing what you need to work on. It’s hard to understand why you are the way you are. Some people choose to believe it is just naturally ingrained in them, while others choose to believe it is how they are raised. No matter what you believe, self-reflection is very important to relationships. Not only to external relationships, but the relationship you have with yourself. Think about it. The longest relationship you ever have is yourself. So it makes perfect sense to need to understand yourself.
“But Clyde, what your own self-reflection? How can you preach but not know about own self?”
The answer is easy. I swallow that pill. No matter how hard it is, I have to do it. It is the only way that I will grow and learn and be better. Be the best me that I can be. Not only for myself, but my daughter. I can preach all I want to her, but I’m not walking the walk, how would she ever believe me?
Trust me, I have a lot that I need to work on myself. Does that mean I’m in the same spot that I was a month ago? No. Definitely not. Does that mean I’ve made a lot of progress? I don’t know. As long as I’m moving forward. That’s all that matters.
Ending a relationship is hard. But getting back into the dating game? That’s even harder. How does someone go about getting a date? Going out and meeting people where? At a bar? Club? Grocery store? Sure, you’ve got dozens of dating apps and websites to choose from, but they are all so hard to navigate. Granted, I’ve only tried apps and I’ve only been active on them for about 3 days. Ok, fine. I’m not a patient man. Yes. I am guilty of wanting instant gratification.
That is all beside the point. I’ve tried several different apps and haven’t really gotten any responses. It’s not like I’m just saying “Hi” or “What’s up”. I actually take the time to read their profiles and see if we would actually have something in common. Based on their profile, I try to find some commonality and ask them something from there or comment on a photo. Not about looks – I’m not superficial by any means. The amount of people on these apps that are like, “If all you have to say is ‘hi’ or ‘how are you’ swipe left,” is just insane. Hence why I READ THEIR PROFILE. I get creative. I’m a writer. I understand the pain of reading the same bland thing a million times, but come on people! I’m trying here!
And can we talk about how much you have to pay for these things? Yeah, sure, they all have their free versions. You just don’t get as big of an exposure. I mean if you want to shell out $20+ every month just to get more exposure sure, but what happens if you want to see likes? That’ll be another $15+ every month. Read receipts? That’ll be $2 per message. If I’m going to drop serious cash to meet someone, I’d rather do it WITH the person in front of me instead someone who might be a catfish.
Oh, I can’t forget about the list of demands that some people have. But let’s not get into that because I could go on forever. Like I have already. I will say this though – some things are best left unsaid.
Getting back into the dating game is hard. Living in a time where the world is at your fingertips makes it even harder. Any advice on how to make it easier?
Life. It’s a funny thing. We go through life creating and nurturing all different types of relationships. Learning, understanding, and knowing (or getting to know) the different people the come into our lives. We want some of them to stick around, but others we could care less about what happens to them. These relationships we create are all intentional, whether we realize it at the time is a different story, but the creation of all relationships are always for a reason.
But no matter how much we nurture and foster those relationships, we will always be on the outside looking in. Sure, they help us feel less lonely, loved, cared about, but we will never know what the other person’s thinking or what their intentions are. Some of us hope for the best and others always think the worst. It doesn’t matter how long you have been friends or lovers or partners, you will never (truly) know why they chose you. Of course they will tell you why if you ask them, but how do you know for certain it is true? How do you know if they won’t just leave you one day? Or they aren’t sneaking behind your back? We just have to trust what they are saying is truth.
Soul Behind the Eyes 